Lorikeets: A Practical Guide

A lorikeet is a small parrot native to the Pacific region. Like all birds, they are cute and you will want to play with them.

Like all birds, this will prove to be a costly mistake. This guide will aid you in your foolish endeavor.


Part I: Finding Lorikeets

The best way to attract a Lorikeet is to bring along someone named Lori. I did this and it worked very well for me.

If you don’t know anyone named Lori, consider legally changing your name. Lorikeets are fairly stupid and will usually fall for this ruse.

Please note that the names Laura, Laurie, or Lara are NOT suitable substitutes. Attemping to pass a ‘Laurie’ off as a ‘Lori’ will only enrage the Lorikeets. You do not want to know what that means.



Part II: Identifying the Lorikeet

Lorikeets are easily recognized by their bright colors, screechy calls, and ‘crazy eyes’ that stare right through your soul.

As noted above, you should avoid any parrot you see if you value your fingers. Having gone this far, however, I don’t suppose you’re going to stop now. So we’ll move on to part 3.


Part III: The Initial Attack

Once it spots you, the keet will quickly take the high ground. At this point there’s little to do but enjoy the feel of tiny claws all over your head.

See video below.



Part IV: Your Escape

At this point you have only one recourse left at your disposal:

Sugar water.

You can use it to distract the bird long enough for you to run like hell. If you time it right you stand a good chance of getting away.

Hopefully you brought some with you. I probably should have mentioned that upfront. Good luck!

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