Let us all take a moment to consider that wonderful workplace invention, the cubicle
The wide expanse of sandy walls give endless possibilities for artistic expression. What will you hang in your cubicle? What (management approved) photos will represent you to your coworkers? Why do questions in essays always come in threes?
Honestly, I don’t really care. I’m just here to brag about my own awesome cubicle, so get with the program. Here we go!
I’d assumed this sort of thing would be commonplace in corporate-America, but you’d be shocked if you knew how many questions I’ve gotten about this. What is that? Why is there a chicken on your wall? Is there someone else here I can talk to?
Honestly, people. It’s just a rooster. A framed, stern-looking rooster. The real question is why don’t YOU have one in your cubicle? People are so strange.
It’s hard to tell here, but this baby photo is big. It’s over 1 foot wide and 2 feet tall. It’s also hung where anyone walking into our department is pretty much forced to see it.
In other words, I make the whole office cooler just by existing. Strangely, no one has congratulated me on this yet.
Oh, I forgot to mention before, but the chicken photo was an anniversary gift from my wife. (She really gets me.) This Delorean was also from her. It’s laminated and everything. This poster also reinforces the old adage: You can’t go wrong with vector art. Case in point:
No, I don’t own this because I love safety. I have it because that’s me! I bet you didn’t know that vector art was based on real people, did you? Well, it is. I was praised for my revolutionary ‘hand on knee’ pose in this one. I really brought out the emotion of ‘caution,’ I think.
Thanks to me, everyone in the building now knows how to handle spilled coffee. I like to think it’s one of the many small things that make me so important to the company.
If you had to make a gold record prop for a video shoot, you wouldn’t throw it away, right? The text on that card reads:
Weezer is sort of cool. But really not. But that’s what makes them cool, you see, so really they are.
But don’t actually SAY they’re cool like I’ve just done or you’ll ruin the whole thing! They have to be un-cool in order to remain, well…you know.
This little puzzle has destroyed some of the greatest minds of our time, so don’t spend too long thinking about it.
In fact, you’re probably better off if you just pretend I never brought it up at all.
That’s the kind of thing they put on real gold records, right?
You may also notice that the record is signed by “Wendell the Bird.” I don’t have time to explain the complicated art of prop-making to you, but trust me, it’s a science.
Well, that’s the quick tour. Join me next week when we ask the question: What the hell is this thing?